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Theron and Isla, Spring NZ

Babies put everything in their mouths. I mean everything! If a baby is going to investigate anything, it will involve putting that thing in its mouth and slimming it thoroughly before any sort of decision can be made about the object. That is a baby’s main method of learning anything about anything – put it in the mouth. Babies have no concept of what is acceptable or gross to place in their mouths.

Anything is fair game. If it can be picked up, it can be placed into the mouth. Babies must have some sort of extrasensory receptors located in their mouths which tell them what type of information is to be stored about each object. They must be able to detect if something is soft or hard, fun or not so fun, bang-able or quiet, satisfying or not so satisfying, etc. Perhaps this is why we, as a people, talk so much and enjoy oral pleasures; like socializing while drinking beer. Maybe that is why babies drool so much; their drool has a specialized ability to extract as much information as possible from an object. That might explain why my daughter sucks on my face or shoulder, perhaps she is learning all there is to know about her father. It is a good thing we’ve grown out of this mouth-on approach to investigate our world. Imagine if when we went to buy a new car or try on some clothes, we sucked on that item and left a drool mark. Imagine going on a first date and sucking on your dates shoulder! That would be very weird.

Thankfully, we have grown out of that phase in our development. I still have several more months before my daughter stops putting everything in her mouth. Until then, I must remain vigilant and prevent her from putting anything too disgusting in her mouth. I have to be very attentive and quick. We will be going for a walk, I’m holding my daughter, and she’ll discreetly grab something then shove it into her mouth. It won’t be until minutes later that I discover she has been chomping on some strange item. That is when I grab her cute little cheeks and look into her mouth. If it is a gross item, I grab it out of her mouth. I must be diligent because she is quick and sly! There is no telling, what or when she’ll shove something into her little drooling mouth. That is the nature of the baby, put it into mouth, gum it all around, and make a decision about the object.

The other day, my daughter was crawling around outside on the grass. She was naked, sitting on her blanket, and had just finished eating (her meal mess was everywhere). She was crawling around when I noticed she had a wad of what looked like food in her hand. I took a second look and realized she was not holding a wad of food but a wad of poo! I thought, “Wait a minute, that’s not mashed veggies! That is her poo!” I quickly grabbed it out of her hand, that is when I realized I was now holding her poo! I immediately tossed the shit in the grass and thoroughly washed both our hands. Babies will put anything in their mouths, anything!

Theron Burgess

Tags: fatherhood