SOLD: Beautiful Happyzine

By Sean Weaver

Unfurling like a furry monkey being born tail first, the hairs of the young tree fern frond caught the sunlight as the clouds parted briefly high above the forest canopy. He was walking slowly through coastal forest at Te Waewae Bay, Western Southland, doing field-work for a forest carbon project. He had the forest to himself for much of the afternoon until a hunter came striding along the path towards him all sweaty and dirty with blood-stained forearms, and a carcass hoisted on his shoulders above his pack.

“Gidday mate. How ya going’?” puffs the hunter in the reserved tones of a rural southern man.

“Pretty good. Get any bites?”

“A stag – just a little one,” he puffs. “Ken’s the name,” and offers a cracked and weathered handshake.

“Simon,” trying his best to present a firm grip in spite of his annoying forearm injury. He knows he cant afford to give a lamely hand in such encounters.

“What brings you here? Ya hugging trees or shagging possums?”

He was often uncomfortable explaining his work in situations like this because it inevitably led to a discussion he would rather avoid. Sometimes he would make up an answer just to pass the time of day, but on this occasion he decided to just tell it like it is.

“I’m working on a project to protect these forests using carbon finance. I am just getting some data for the bean-counters.”

“All this climate change stuff is a load of rot,” declared Ken the hunter with drawn-out emphasis on the word ‘rot’.

All too often Simon had found himself in tricky situations with people whose prejudices were stronger than their willingness to listen. He had long given up trying to win symbolic battles like this because they were mostly a waste of time and just left him feeling frustrated.

“Well, the bank is happy to pay interest on the money we get from selling carbon credits from forests like this.”

“Fair enough mate. But climate change is still a pile of crap dished out by trendy dickheads who just want to scare us with their bullshit stories about butterflies farting.”

“Yeah, well… That’s an interesting point of view, bro. But I don’t share it.”

“Oh, your not another greenie are ya?”

“Greenie” hmm. Well, I care about my country, its economy, its people and its future. If you want to call that a ‘greenie’ then be my guest.”

“Mate, the climate has always changed and always will. It’s just a natural thing.”

“Sure. Sharks are natural too. But I don’t feed them near my swimming beaches.”

“A cousin of mine is a scientist who says the environmentalists have got it all wrong about global warming.”

“Well I haven’t met your cousin, but I have looked closely at climate science and weighed the different arguments against the very large volume of evidence available. I won’t bore you with the details, but it led me to the conclusion that burning fossil fuels and deforestation have a case to answer.”

“Cutting emissions won’t make any difference, and it’s completely stupid putting extra costs on society from this emissions trading scheme and carbon taxes. It’s just another rip off. You’ll see. You prove to me that humans are causing climate change.”

“It’s not my job to convince you, bro – that’s your job. But I’m convinced by the science – along with all the world’s science academies, and it inspires me to vote the way I do, make the choices I make, do the job that I do, and live the life I choose to live.”

“The trouble with you greenies is that you never come up with alternatives. I’m going to keep driving my ute, don’t you worry.”

“Me too – my one runs on bio-diesel made from used vegetable oil – it’s even cheaper than fossil diesel. And actually, I have looked at some alternatives to deforestation and unsustainable energy and there’s heaps of clean tech alternatives that are cheaper than dirty tech.”

“Yeah, but they just don’t work.”

“You reckon? I find that hydro electricity works, and so do solar water heaters. Insulation keeps my electricity bills down. Selling carbon instead of timber is working fine and dandy, and it protects the habitat of that stag over your shoulder too.”

“Who gives you the authority to say any of this?”

“The Earth is my witness bro.”

“What a load of crap. How can you claim to have the Earth as your witness?”

“Well, the sky is my witness to that one.”

“You’re full of shit, mate.”

“Why don’t you come over to the lodge for a beer before you head home. We’ve got the fire going.”

“You greenies drink beer do ya? Thought it might upset your delicate little constitutions.”

“I reckon we urban poofs could spare a few ales for a grubby pest controller like you.”

“Alright, I’ll bring some of this pest for the barbie. How do you like your steaks?”

“Oh, just cut off its horns and wipe its arse.”

Earth Witness

For other Happyzine posts by Sean Weaver, just type: ‘Ekodo’ in the search field at top right of this page to locate his collection of Happyzine articles. ‘Ekodo’ turns environmentalism into a martial art and is the name of a training programme for sharply compassionate environmental practice that Sean leads with his wife Jo. Sean is a forest conservation consultant through his company ‘Carbon Partnership’. He and Jo live in Golden Bay with their two young boys and they are big fans of Charlotte Squire, her partner Marty, their son Kahu, her dog Maya and her Happyzine.

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